TIME TO DIET

And now dear Readers, I have to confess that I have to go on a serious diet. All the Chile en Nogada (green chile, with white walnut sauce and pomegranate seeds!)in San Miguel Allende, the crab cake sandwiches in Philadelphia, the pasta in New York, the breakfast buffets in the cruise ship, the buttery escargot in Quebec, all of that and more, have tipped over my weighing scale to such shameful numbers - we're not even going to talk about how many pounds I have to lose. But lose I must, because dear Readers, Precious must take care of herself! She just had a birthday, remember? She is no longer a young chick. When she was younger, she used to worry about her weight so she would look good; well now, she is worried about her weight for more serious reasons - things like cholesterol, heart - and yes, Precious must continue to look presentable. Her jewelry has been increasing in size, in direct proportion to her weight, and this must stop, dear Readers, or else her ears will rip from the weight of the earrings she has been wearing.

But seriously, dear Readers, Sunday, Precious went shopping for healthy food like cottage cheese and yogurt, fruit, vegetables, and also those canned diet drinks. She has a plan. First of all, she will give up chocolate cake, lollipops, sodas including diet sodas, butter, chocolate Espanola, gorgonzola cheese, carbs, sugar, and fat. She has allowed herself to eat all the fruit and vegetables that she wants. Otherwise, dear Readers, Precious might starve to death! So, here's her plan: diet drink in the morning; very light lunch; and a meal in the evening. Precious knows that it's not such a good idea to eat the big meal at night, but that's the time she and her husband eat together, so that's how it is.

Monday was the first day of her diet. She had the diet drink for breakfast and cottage cheese for lunch, and she had a cannibal hamburger sandwich (hamburger pattie with lettuce and onions). Precious felt self-righteous.

Tuesday, Precious had her diet drink before leaving for UCLA to teach her Writer's Sketchbook class, which runs from 10-1. Precious noticed that she was somewhat stupid in class. She seemed distracted, and then later she felt jittery. Precious felt anxious and mildly depressed; her mind kept "chattering" negative things. This was followed by a splitting headache, which lasted until nighttime.


To find out what was going on, Precious googled dieting and headaches - and can you imagine that headaches are actually a side effect of dieting? Precious was taken aback. She thought maybe she preferred the feeling of well-being when she eats all she wants . . . the feeling of euphoria when she sips her thick chocolate Espanola, when she pops in one of those succulent escargot in her mouth.

When she went to bed, still with the God-awful headache, she swore the dieting would have to go if she'd developed insomnia (another complaint from dieters). Fortunately, Precious sawed it off last night.

Which brings us to today. Diet drink in the morning, and later she and her husband had a picnic lunch at the Serra Retreat in Malibu; they had bought deli food. Oh, dear Readers, what she had was not diet food at all! Oh, no, not at all! It was meatloaf, with pasta, some vegetables (which she hardly touched) and Greek salad (which was awful and which she didn't eat either). So, she had: meatloaf, pasta, and a sourdough roll. She tried to add up the calories but the figure climbed so high, she had difficulty adding. To make up for that pig-out Precious had her 170-calorie diet shake for dinner.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

Dear Readers - the question is: can Precious stick to her diet? How long can she stay away from all the wonderful comfort food? Can she refuse all that rich Christmas food, cookies - all carbs and sugar and oil?

Stay tuned, dear Readers, stay tuned.



(Special thanks to Marianne Villanueva whose blog style Precious imitated.)