Dear Sundance,
I've decided to mentor you. You are young and innocent and there is much to learn to be able to survive in this world.
Perhaps the most important advice I can give you is TO BE CUTE AT ALL TIMES. This is vital to your existence. By "cute" I am referring to both external and internal cuteness.
The external is obvious. When we cats are born, we are normally cute: small, furry, fluffy, with heart-rending cries that tug at the hearts Feeders. But that kittenish cuteness does not last. Do not think that for a moment, otherwise you will be doomed!
No, we cats have to learn to groom ourselves constantly. My mother taught me that. Lick your fur, wipe your face, especially around your eyes and mouth. I do not have to mention your privates - that is obvious. And chew some grass to clean your teeth and breath. Fleas can be a problem, especially in the summer, but hopefully your Feeder uses Vantage or Frontline once a month. It's a bummer getting treated; I myself get queasy for a couple of days, but in the long run,it's worth it. You don't want fleas on you. Fleas can cause worms, and that's a whole other problem altogether, very un-cute to say the least, to have wiggly worms in your poop. Your Feeder will NOT find that endearing.
Don't forget to clean your ears, otherwise you might get ear mites,and Feeders also find that disgusting.
The other kind of cuteness I want to address has to do with making a real effort to win the heart of your Feeder - totally and completely so that he or she belongs to you for the rest of your life. Even when you become old like me, he/she will still think you are a delightful kitten.
Look at me, I'm 17, very old for a cat, but the Woman-who-opens-cans thinks I'm incredibly cute. She takes pictures of me, checks on me constantly, makes sure I have my favorite food (including people tuna, salmon, and bits of steak - really, anything I want). She is at my beck and call. This is because I won her heart completely when I was young.
I saw the picture of you on the shoulder of your Feeder. That's good. That's a start. You have to learn to climb on her lap or get into bed with her and snuggle up close. You have to purr, even when you're not in the mood. For some reason Feeders think purring is very cute. You should also bat their faces with your paws. And don't forget to lick their faces; they also think that's cute. You have to be constantly visible to them. When they walk into the room, there you are laying on the bed, softly snoring; when they walk into the kitchen,there you are looking straight into their eyes, meowing; when they are working at the desk or in the garden, there you are sidling up against their legs; when they are watching TV, there you are on their laps. It is the constant contact that makes you become so much a part of their lives that they come to believe they could never exist without you.
Once this happens, you can have anything you want. You can just about do anything you want. I say "anything" not "everything" in this case because while Feeders can forgive occasional outbursts of temper from us cats (I myself have scratched the Woman-who-opens-cats when she pissed me off), they will NOT tolerate peeing or pooping around their house. That can get you in serious trouble; in fact, that could be a death sentence.
I will close for now Sundance because I have to run to the rose garden while the sun is up. It was cloudy where I live this morning but now the sun is up and I just love laying around our rose garden.
I am attaching a picture of me on a bed, to prove my point about getting what you want when you play it right.
Yours truly,
Kiki
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